Christmas is Good

I actually started up another blog on one of the days last week. It was meant to be a private little diary with restricted access, in which I can express my most genuine feelings and views in. But the next day, I happily forgot what login name and password I used. I wonder why I have such an unbelieveable poor memory. I didn't bother to attempt to retrieve the password because I felt that it was probably fated that I clean forgot the login name and password to that private little diary. It was not meant to be.

To my surprise, I actually got responses w.r.t what I wrote in my blog. Keith smsed me to send regards because he felt that I wasn't feeling too happy lately. Appreciate the concern. Vincent smsed me with words of advice, thank you too. Worthwhile friends definitely make this world a nicer place to be in. In one's lifetime, one or two of such friends are enough.

Christmas is coming soon. I'm bent on enjoying the season. I must. Trying my best to keep work off my mind. I'm the terrible sort of person who always have work on my mind even after I get off work. Simply just cannot get work off my mind on matter how hard I try. I'm starting to feel that its because I've got some genes that makes me like this.

Christmas is my favourite festival. It has always been and will always be. Every single thing about christmas just makes me very comfortable and happy. Its just a pity that there isn't snow in singapore. Real snow, not artificially generated ones from crystalline water. Snow completes Christmas.

Its been a year since I last started working after university. Its probably time to seek for a better job with a better renumeration. I need time. Time to update my resume, search around for jobs and also to prep myself mentally to go out there for interviews again. But I don't have the time. My weekends are always sacrificed on catching up with paperwork, reports and reading science journals. Maybe thats also why I can't get work off my mind since there's simply no chance to.

Damnit.
Someone is still very irritating after so many damn years. An eyesore. A thorn in the flesh.
She just refuses to steer clear. Her target in life is probably just to be this consistent gnawing interference in my already not-so-peaceful life. I wish I can just use a wonderbroom to sweep her away from the surface of this universe. Irritating people must be gotten rid of, once and for all. She probably finds me irritating too. But I don't care. I don't have to.

I know I probably sound quite petty. But well, no one can understand how I feel lor. So I don't bother to explain. So you all don't have to ask, because there is just no way to explain how I feel towards her unless you've been in my shoes.

What if I'm really a petty person? I don't care two hoots man. I have my rights to be petty. I have my own justified reasons to be a petty person too. People who really know me well would understand what I'm like.

Slept the whole day today. Just felt like sleeping and doing nothing else. Followed my heart. Left my work and everything aside and just slept as if the rest of the world is non-existent. Nice. Slept after lunch, slept after dinner. Supposed to be sleeping now, but felt too hungry like I'm on the verge of having gastric. So I got up and ate. So now that I'm full, all I felt like doing was to blog, to write. And so I followed my heart again.

Its been such a long time since I did something just because I felt like doing. Everything that I did since after university was because there were reasons to them. I had to put up with shit at work because I need the money. I had to control myself from buying what I felt like because the money is to be spent on all the bills in the house. I had to control myself from eating what I felt like because my dad needs his medicine and physiotherapy. I had to pretend to be nice and happy at work because my parents are solely dependant on me.

Really admire those people who are not the sole breadwinner of the family. Maybe I'm the terrible sort of person who can't take hardships. Maybe I'm not strong enough. God knows. But it doesn't matter anyway.

Man this entry is really long. I said that all I ever want to do now is to blog, to write. I'm enjoying it.

But I got to go to bed now and return to reality once my alarm clock rings at 5:30am.

May a better job come along soon. May Christmas come soon. May my life be more exciting and happier soon!

Ganbatte.

Severe Case of Monday Blues

What a severe case of Monday Blues can do to me on a Sunday:

1. Robs me of my appetite.

2. Evokes pessimistic thoughts.

3. Makes me all grouchy and snappy.

4. Makes me just wanna sleep and rot the whole day.

5. Robs me of my mood to do work that has to be completed by Sunday night.

6. Makes me antisocial.

7. Makes me feel tired and achey all over.

Hmm.
Very severe indeed huh.

My family

Everything has changed since dad's 8-months hospital stay.

No one in the family is happy anymore.

Even now that he's out of the hospital and back at home. No one in the family is as happy as they were in the past.

The sudden burden on me is very heavy. So heavy that I am always tired. So heavy that Ican't help feeling that life is very unfair to me. So heavy that sometimes I feel like just throwing everything everyone aside and walk off. And yet I have to act like I'm fine.

Dad isn't as cheery and chatty as he used to be.

Mom is always tired. Although she tries hard to look cheery and everything.

No one is happy anymore.

Why has my family become like this.

Losing the faith

I am feeling insecure.

Am I a faker?

I don't know.

When I look back at some of the entries that I've posted, I feel that they are not 'me'.

I sound pretty shallow in some of the entries that I've written.
And in some, I sound much more enthusiastic than what I actually felt.

Although there are still many entries that are the real-me, why am I not always the real-me when I'm blogging?

I'm feeling like a faker now. Darns.

The Curse

The lethal curse:

Quoted from a friend's blog:

"May u burn in the deepest pits of Satan's ass"

"May u burn forver in hell while being sodomized by Saddam Hussien"

Damn evil siah. But rather cool. Heh.

A listening ear?

Do you all keep problems to yourselves? I'm sure all of us do. Is there really a person whom you can actually pour out all your woes to? Is there really someone who is able lend a listening ear unconditionally anytime when you need him or her?

I can only think of 4 people that I can talk to. Lets call them Person A, Person B, Person C and Person D.

Person A is simply a person whom has helped me alot alot, especially this year. Thus Person A does not make a good candidate because I wouldn't want to trouble Person A more.

Person B makes a really good listener that can be appreciated. And is good at cheering people up too. But don't really keep in contact that frequently. Too bad.

Person C makes a good listener too. But Person C has a tendency to always give suggestions and to propose solutions. Sometimes I just need a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. It doesn't mean that I need to solve the problems immediately. I just need to get things off my mind by saying it all out.

Person D is almost always in some kind of shit too. Haha. So I don't know whether its a good or bad thing to trouble Person D.

So thats why I sometimes keep problems to myself.

*****

Was very, very disappointed with my experiment today. It didn't turn out well. All my past efforts went down the drain. I need to get past this particular part of the experiment before I can proceed. Damn. Lack of time. I'm so tired. The deadline is end November and its already mid November now. Hey its not my fault that the experiment is stuck okay. Damnit. I'm using stuffs from like a hundred years ago that keeps giving me inconsistent results. Why am I always kenna-ing some kind of shit. Argh. I hope I can get past this stage of the experiment soon. Not 'hope', is MUST. It'd better be, because the boss only believes in CAN. No CANNOTS. Damnit.

*****

I realised I can get along perfectly with only my poly peers. University peers and colleagues at my workplace just somehow seem to be of different frequencies from me. Is it me, or is it them? Hmm.

*****

4 more days to payday. Damn I need the money!

Suicide

A morbid topic tonight.

I wonder how people become really suicidal. Is being suicidal a breaking point of logic and mentality? I personally had ever considered the option of death to escape from my problems, but when I think further about how I should attempt suicide, I decided that I have no guts to try the methods. Wouldn't want to die in pain or die ugly. But, but I think that when someone gets really suicidal, guts doesn't apply anymore. All Logic is lost. All the person ever want will be to die. So he or she will seek the most convenient and fastest way to die. So I guess I wasn't suicidal enough at that time. Things haven't gotten so bad as that.

So, what are the various common ways to attempt suicide?
1. Take pills.
This definitely is not an option for me because I suck at swallowing pills. God knows how much time I gonna spend to dissolve a whole bottle of pills before I can attempt anything. Plus pills are gonna taste very bitter if dissolved in water. Of course, I can always try to dissolve them in orange juice or diluted honey water or something like that.

2. Jump, down a block of flats or into the MRT track.
As I said, wouldn't want to die ugly. So thats that.

3. Carbon Monoxide poisoning.
This is extremely difficult to attempt because I don't own a car. I don't think its a nice idea to do it in a rented car. Quite inconsiderate. Plus, still have to recce to find a deserted spot. Too much homework to be done.

4. Slash the wrist.
Wouldn't want to die in pain.

5. Inject air into the vein.
This wouldn't always work. Plus injection is painful.

6. Drown in a bathtub.
I have no bathtub at home. Would be inconsiderate to do it in a hotel room.

7. Hang.
This reminds me of one of those old period dramas. Not a very trendy way to die.

8. Bang head against wall.
Also, not trendy.

9. Drink Bleach.
Burns the throat. If unfortunately was discovered after drinking the bleach, need to go for a gastric lavage. Eeks. May lose voice as well.

10. Eat poisonous toadstools.
Somehow this sounds rather comical.

The difference between Sian, Sleepy & Tired

EverRed says: not sleepy arh?

Tingalingling says: no leh..but must go sleep soon though

Tingalingling says: so sian

EverRed says: ei...pardon huh...but what is the difference between sian, sleepy and tired?

EverRed says: i'm confused le lor

Tingalingling says: sian is dont feel like doing anything constructive but need to...
sleepy is feel like sleeping..
tired is dont feel like doing anything at all except to sleep
but sleepy, although is feel like sleeping..but still feel like doing other tings at the same time..get it?

Why my bag is always so big

Something happened today that made me gasp at how accurate my instincts are. And this is not the first time.

Creepy, but good.

I really should start trusting my own instincts.

*****

Somebody's getting married. This particular person that I dislike so much so much. By rights I should be happy that she's getting married. But why am I not. I just feel very, very strange.

Interesting.

*****

Everyone asks why my bag is always so "zhao-lor" (Big enough to pack everything for a run-away) style.

I shall disclose.

Whats always inside my bag: My Absolute Essentials. Yep I mean Absolute and Essential.

1. A small soft toy to accompany me.

2. Vanity Pouch: Blotters, Comb, cosmetics and whatchamacallits.

3. Candies and/or Gummies.

4. Pocky and/or HelloPanda and/or Pucca.

5. Preserved Orange Peel.

6. Medicine Pouch: Panadol Soluble, Antacids, Antihistamines, Medicine for stomachaches, Medicine for Giddyness.

7. Thumbdrives.

8. Money and cards.

9. Eyedrops.

10. Tissues.

12. Brolly.

13. Keys.

14. My precious Winnie the Pooh schedule book.

15. Bands for tying hair, and hairpins.

16. Occasionally a file.

17. My iPod Nano that I got for free from SingTel.

18. My 500ml waterbottle.

19. Occasionally some nice stickers that I carry for fun.

20. Occasionally a sweater.

These explains why my bag is always so big.

The significance of a Happy Meal Toy

I'm horrified to learn that Mcdonalds is changing away their Happy Meal toy from tomorrow onwards. I've only manage to get 1 out of 4 of the toys from the Cinnamoroll series. Unfair!

Yep I'm 25 this year. And am still going after Happy Meal toys.

Occasional small 'wants' like this makes life a lit' bit happier, isn't it?

I'm going after the Strawberry Shortcake Happy Meal Toy next.

*smile*