Can anyone really understand?

The much awaited long weekend is over, its over. Its over before I even realised it. Back to reality now. Huge piles of work to be completed by the end of this month. If not, will kenna from boss on 1st June. Damnit. She demands a detailed progress report on the 1st day of every month. What hell. And not to mention a universally-much-disliked journal club once every two weeks. Damnit Damnit.

Damnit. The corner of my eyes are very itchy. Only the corners. I've flushed my eyes with so much eyedrops until it overflows like crazy and yet my eyes are still itchy. What is it?! Allergy? Dirt? Irritants?

Ok I know that I'm a no-life-er. Always complaining about work and being unhappy with life.

I'm having difficulties trying to divide my time equally. Since dad has been hospitalised, I haven't got enough time for mom, him and my good friends. I can't rem the last time I actually went shopping with Puisan after work. I can't rem when I actually met up properly with Elaine to hang out. I have pending meals with other friends which I don't know when I can clear. I can't even rem when was the last time I MSNed properly with my friends. I haven't talked on the phone properly since don't know when. Its been ages since I reach home on time for dinner at the proper dinnertime. Its been ages since I last watched a movie. Its also been ages since I last went out properly on a weekend.

Its not that I don't want to divide my time properly. Its not that I don't try to prioritize. Its just that I simply haven't got enough time on my hands to allow me to even plan them out properly. Some say I shouldn't need to go visit my dad everyday if I'm really tired and busy. They say that its more important to take care of myself well and everything. They imply that I should pay more attention to the others around me since I can't really do anything to help dad anyway. They say this, they say that.

But does anyone really understand how I feel? Anyone at all?

Being the only child, obviously there won't be anyone else to visit dad in hospital everyday if I don't go. Mum herself isn't that well, so she doesn't go visit dad everyday. Dad has already been stuck in the hospital for 5 months. 5 months, do you hear? 5 months and still with nil improvement. I''m sure dad is already feeling very very sian and miserable already. Not to mention the pain he has to go through. If he doesn't get any visitors, he'll feel worse.

Oh well. Maybe those of you who aren't the only child will never be able to explain the different kind of bonding that an only child has with her parents anyway. Forget it, I shan't bother to explain.

I know how to take care of myself and how to get the proper rest that I need.

I really treasure all the people around me alot. But can they all give me just a little more time to let me figure out a way to balance my limited time out and divide the pathetic amount of time out even more properly? I'm sure I can think of a way if I think hard enough. I will think hard enough, even if it means that I have a risk of going insane.

I'm sure that no one in this world can understand me perfectly. Forget it.

I'm so sick. Everyday is spent feeling tortured at work. And battling time after work. And thinking about how to settle the bills properly. I live for the weekends, only to realise that the weekends go past me before I could even bat an eyelid. I dream of work as nightmares, dream of dad getting well and coming back home, dream of me becoming rich. I write an unhappy blog. I read others' blog and feel jealous of them. I see happy families on the mrt and feel that this is all so temporary and fake.

Have I really changed? Is this a normal change as one matures or what?

Damnit.