V-Day

How was your Valentine's Day?

Any surprises? Chocolates? Flowers? Expensive Dinner? Nice night out? Nah, mine is just like any other day. Used to get fresh flowers for the past 3 years when I was in school. In school, always got people buy fresh flowers in bulk for all the girls mah. So I will happen to get fresh flowers since I'm one of the many girls! But oh, I got a softoy rose before VDay and I bought a fresh rose for Dad today.

This Valentine's Day is abit more special for me this year since I'm on MC so basically I spent my day relaxingly. Had a leisurely brekkie with Mom in the morning. Visited dad after that. Grabbed some Old Chang Kee for lunch (6 chicken nuggets and 1 yam pie, to be specific). Then I went window shopping until 5pm. After that was dinner back at home and telly-watching until 10pm. Followed by bath and blogging, which brings me to now.

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Tomorrow is my stitches-removal day. I'm so scared that it'll be painful. I told dad today. He assured me that it will at most only feel like ants-bite.

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They are going to do an additional invasive procedure to dad tomorrow morning. Apparently the fluids are not draining out as properly as they should through the current tube that leads out from his Peritoneal Cavity. It mustn't accumulate inside cos' that would cause sepsis. So they gonna try to run another tube through his pancreas to drain the bile out. Doc said that the success rate of this procedure is very low, only 10 to 12% (what the hell, is it so difficult to stick a tube into the pancreas properly?). And complications are many, like...well I don't feel like listing them out here. Don't think its auspicious anyway. Tomorrow I'll wake up early to do extra prayers. I hope all goes well.

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My feelings are rather trapped today. I really worry about my dad. But I cannot show it to my mom. I know shes feeling the same way too, trying to hide her worries from me too. I know that both of us are trying to look ok and act happy so as not to add to each other's worries.

OK. Probably you might start telling me not to worry too much since anyway there's nothing much I can do to help dad also. Yes I know that. But its painful to see dad lying in hospital suffering like that.

Logically I know what I should do. Not to worry too much first. See how it goes. I do so.

But emotionally its very difficult for me to not to feel anything. Each time I look at my dad, it adds to it, even though I may not appear to be upset. Feels like a thousand tons of lead weighing on my heart. I don't think its worry anymore, its something else which I cannot pinpoint.

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Last night I didn't blog. I've got so much to say, but I just can't start any sentence proper. I've got so many thoughts floating around in my little brain, but I didn't manage to write anything. Again, I've got thoughts floating around tonight, so I'll just jot them down here randomly:

1. My chinese birthday last Sunday was good. Got birthday meeswa. I ate and ate. Got Tangyuan with sesame paste filling since it was the Yuan Xiao Jie, last day of Chinese New Year.

2. I picked out 4 numbers from those red paper rolls on my chinese birthday. 3567. Can buy 4D if you want. I feel that 3567 sounds kinda weird, but I heard that winning numbers, especially the first prize, always sound weird. So its a potential winner.

3. Chatted quite a bit with Elaine last night. It made me reach alot of conclusions. It had also made me realise alot of things. I think I should go ponder more about some of those things.

4. I'm bent on winning Toto. Stubbornly so.

5. Life is still not good to me.

6. I'm very bent on winning Toto.

7. I want to binge. I want a buffet.

8. I'm going back to work next week.

9. I feel like singing at least 10 hours of karaoke non-stop. It will work miraculously to help release my pent-up feelings.

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I've always been rather afraid to re-read whatever entries I've written on my blog. I fear to do so. Cos' I've tried to do so and it made me feel very, very weird. Especially those entries that are emotional. Especially those unhappy entries. I dare not re-read them. They really make me feel very weird. Its something like, I'm ashamed but impressed with myself for having the guts to make such awful feelings and emotions public, but yet grossed out when I recall the feelings that I went through. I think the main thing is that they are genuine and they trigger more feelings in me, so I don't dare to re-read them.

As for the happy and normal entries, I dare to re-read them. But I do not like to do so. Cos' they trigger other feelings in me. They make me get a feeling that happiness is so short-lived.

Thus, generally, I do not attempt to re-read what I've posted on my blog. Not only bcos' of the previous reasons, but also bcos' I know that I will sure spot grammatical errors, alignment errors, bad sentence structures and what-nots. These will make me feel flawed. I do not like to feel that way.